Queer In A Straight World

[Mellie]

This past weekend has been one of the most self/identity-affirming body positive experiences. I performed at Zombie Queer Cabaret and assisted an amazing contestant in the Miss LEZ pageant held at the Knitting Factory in Williamsburg, BK.

I am posting this piece that I wrote about 2 months back that was a part of the "Glutton for Fatshion" Zine that was created by a group of folks and spearheaded by a really amazing person,Taueret Manu, a fellow performer, activist, outspoken, queer woman of color.

I have spoken in the past about the fact that I encompass many identities and I am proud of that. A person's character is not built by having it easy. Similiar to the way that only through friction does kimberlite rock become a diamond.

“So, what does that Really Mean?”: Queer Identity in a straight world
That’s the question I get a lot of the time in response to explaining to straight men, ones I am interested in dating, my identity and orientation as a queer female. Let me not go further without saying that I get this question from many different types of people but generally the conversation goes much deeper in the realm of dating because there are many levels of confusion that I must clarify for these men.

To explain what I mean for myself as a queer female is that I am female, identify as female and in my dating life I am attracted to folks who are female, male, gender non-conforming, trans, as well as folks who make the choice not to self-identify. I don’t follow the lines of other orientations where as a female who identifies as lesbian, by definition, would be attracted to only women or as a female who identifies as straight would, by definition, be attracted to only men. This is not necessarily as political statement for me as it can be for some (although Augusto Boal states “everything is political”). For me this term is the most encompassing of my identity.

In explaining my queer identity to these men, the two overarching “concerns” are sex and labels. Let me attack Labels first and deal with the sex later. The questions or concerns around labels usually manifests itself in a question that sounds something like “so then, are you a lesbian or what?” This is frustrating, as I am generally in the process of explaining my identity. I try to be understanding mostly because I believe the question has more to do with how their identity will be affected by my own. In other words, how can they be a straight male dating a non-straight woman? Also, the term “queer” has, and at times continues to be, a term of derision, so I have gotten “How can you call yourself that?” Understand that we, as people in general, are changing terminology everyday.

As the explanation of my identity pertains to sex, it is perhaps the most tiring part of the conversation. Firstly, I usually get the look of excitement as the person I’m trying to explain it to begins thinking of every crazy porn they’ve seen with threesomes, “girl on girl”, and who knows what else dances through their head. That is really the part of the conversation I dread the most because while I understand that “media”, as an entity, has portrayed LGBTQ life as one that is fueled and mainly focused around sex, it never ceases to sadden me to see that’s where their minds go. I have to explain that my identity as queer does not translate into: swinger, polygamist, exhibitionist, philanderer, adulterer, player. I enjoy monogamy, I enjoy being with one person, my queer identity is simply to let you know the person I’m with can be a host of identities themselves and may be different than the person before them.

I dated one male who “accepted” my identity in stride.Then months down the road he explains that he was worried that I would ”one day just want to switch up and be with a chic”. That stung a bit because we were seeing each other exclusively and simply the thought of my identity made him worry about my loyalty in a relationship. I explained that people can and will be faithful and they can and will be unfaithful based on who they are not on their orientation.

Will I keep having these conversations? Will I have to defend my moral character? Will I have to prove that my relationship with the person I’m with is the ONLY relationship I’m interested in having at that moment?

Personally, based on being a member of number marginalized identities, I get really tired at the prospect of having to always explain issues to folks not from those identities. Being a plus, queer, female of color means I am the spokesperson many times a day. But weighing my options, I’d rather stand up than be stepped over. I’d rather be the messenger of information. As a side note, I really admired what Justice Sotomayor said about the virtue of having a Latina woman’s perspective represented, even though she got blasted for what I saw as a misunderstanding of her words. Being a member of marginalized communities gives you a worldview that is different from the norm and bringing that perspective is a good thing. I guess I am the new “Instant Messenger” bringing my perspective to people who don’t understand.

For More Info
Glutton For Fatshion Zine [e-mail] Next issue February/March

[Mellie]

Greetings Melissa,
Thanks for the comment about the post. Orientation is something that is very personal for most folks and when it is "challenged" it can be very hard to want to share that information with others. I thank you for your comment and ability to be open. I hope you find other posts on the site entertaining and informative!

[Melissa]

I definitely understand this. I tend to take the don't ask don't tell approach with my sexuality. I figure that the only people that really need to know are those that I'm interested in having a relationship with. I've never had a problem finding men who understand except that they hear bisexual and instantly want a threesome. I'm old fashioned and monogamous though and way too jealous so that isn't happening. As for women though, they are the ones that tend to fear that I'll leave them for men. I feel that I always have to be on my guard defending myself.